Apple iPhone angst: The Lives of Others

So, after becoming the proud owner of a brand spanking new iPhone 4S, I was simply awed by the capabilities of this beast. Coupled with the recent release of some new operating software, version 5, I suspected that the machine would soon be running my bath and popping out to the local Pizza Hut to collect my regular appointment with ultra-carbs.

On plugging the phone into my computer one day a couple of weeks ago, I noted an update to the software was offered – version 5.0.1, to sort some ‘battery issues’ experienced by a few users. I hadn’t noted any problems, but upgraded anyway, thinking that the battery would get even better. Alas! I noted a rapid deterioration in my battery life! Angst-ridden and frustrated, I vented my spleen on one of Apple’s discussion board, and felt immediately better.

Now, the way these boards work is that once you post a message, you get all subsequent postings on that subject automatically delivered to your inbox. It is this seemingly innocent facility that whirled me into what is the World of Apple Users. Each day, I received close on 100 postings in my inbox – not addressed to me of course, but all commenting on a poster’s own experience of what is fast becoming known as Battery-Gate. This outpouring of grief was nothing short of Biblical.

A few of the early postings were useful, and pretty soon I solved the problem on my own phone, which is now (for the one or two people reading this who are interested in Geek, I turned off email ‘push’ and iAds) functioning very satisfactorily. BUT – reading other postings, I soon realised they offer a rare and intriguing glimpse into the hive mind of Apple. And also an increasing willingness – albeit often anonymously – to reveal our darkest and innermost secrets on the Internet.

Scanning the posts for nuggets of interest, I read simple descriptions: “My battery is also worse after the update”. There are also solutions offered: hard resets, software reinstalls, iPhone restores (often as a “new phone”, whatever that means), draining and recharging the battery, or switching off allegedly battery-heavy software such as ‘location services’ (which makes the phone pretty useless, as far as I’m concerned). So far, so good.

It’s the personal comments I find especially interesting. There is disappointment, as if let down by a friend: “I still love this thing; I just don’t get it”, or “I’m sad: I just want my Apple back”. Frustration: “So ridiculous”, “Makes me laugh”, “Seriously, Apple”, “Absolute joke”, and my personal favourite, “Disappointed Apple – shame on you!”

We also have glimpses into private lives. Most of the posters are clearly male, and many (odd, for Geeks) married – a fair number discuss the performance of their own phone compared with that of their wife (get DOWN Freud). We also hear of sleeping arrangements – a number comment on battery depletion overnight, on their ‘nightstand’, and serious frustration on waking up “at 6am” to find their phone is dead. There are descriptions of the drive to work, using the phone for music, GPS, radio, charging the thing through the cigarette lighter, and (more often that not) the battery losing its charge “by 10.30am”.

Perhaps most intriguing are the comments positing political action against Apple. Not violent of course (these are Apple users), but along the lines of the current craze of ‘occupation’. So, one writer suggests “We should do a [sic] Occupy Apple, and start camping in front of Apple stores until this is fixed”. There is one vaguely threatening suggestion, though too unfocussed for beleaguered Apple employees to be concerned: “If my device doesn’t get its normal battery life back, the poor folks at the local Apple Store are going to have my family raging the place”.

There are a couple of other comments I should highlight. One is a marvellously sarcastic offering: “Hello, Apple. Are you doing OK? Everything OK?” This writer, after sharing his iPhone catastrophe, closes with the classic “Have a nice day, like you did it to me!” This thoughtful posting is not the best though. There is poetry in this bile-filled discussion, and for one writer, “I don’t know what to do with the phone. It makes me nervous, as the battery drains like sand through my hands”.

Reading this discussion, which now has over 1000 postings, provides a remarkable insight into our modern techno-culture. Apple, mostly deservedly, offers itself as a user-friendly, intuitive, leading light. It is the guide, visionary, mentor and – yay – Wise Parent, promising self-actualisation in Our World through something no bigger than a thickish postcard. Usually, it is ahead of the curve, and with savvy-marketing and high quality kit, prides itself on being a cut above (boring and buggy) Microsoft, new kid on the block (and unproven) Android, and (Canadian and largely self-limited to messaging) Blackberry. The ultra-angst shown in this discussion illustrates the PAIN experienced by Apple Adepts when their Parent lets them down.

It also shows the very public persona many are comfortable with, and together with FaceBook, and (Lord save us) Reality TV, illustrates how much has changed in the last 20 years. Where next, I wonder?

In closing, I’d like to share my own favourite from the discussion, coming pretty late (at around 890). This contributor is clearly fed up with all the iPhone immolation and the multiple – and in many cases complex and irrelevant – solutions to Battery Gate from other messages. Here is a slightly edited version of the posting:

“Continue all the heavy usage. Stop complaining. Keep using. Dead? Then recharge. Good Luck!”

Give that person a second iPhone!